


Give Me No Reason

by Korraso



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Multi, Redemption, fully accepted title of family disappointment, no romance only friendship because friendship is magic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 12:16:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5828233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Korraso/pseuds/Korraso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He walked a fragile line all his life, but what happens when he finally falls off?<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Give Me No Reason

**Author's Note:**

> I'd really just want to thank ive-ben-solo and damerohpoe for all their help!!! You guys are awesome! (everyone should go follow them on tumblr btw) I know I'm forgetting people, but I promise to thank anyone/everyone who help me in any possible.

In the dark and unusually cold confines of his quarters, Kylo Ren was thrashing in his bed underneath black sheets. Sweat gathered around him, causing his hair to stick to his forehead, despite the cool air around him while laid asleep. He wore no shirt, not bothering to even attempt to put one over his bandaged wounds that still ached with each breath. Quiet words escaped his lips, each one as incomprehensible as the last.

There was no escape from them. The nightmares plagued him ever since he woke inside the medbay in unbearable pain, with almost his entire top part of his body covered in bandages. He was barely consciousness when Hux finally found him, grateful for the tracker Snoke planted on him, without it he very well may have died on that damnable planet. Each night as he laid in between coarse, thin sheets he is tortured by the terrors in his head. They always started the same…

 

* * *

 

_He saw his father’s face before him. Not the face that always showed happiness in the expression of a grin that caused wrinkles around his eyes. No, this face was withered with age, what once were youthful eyes filled with cheer have been replaced tired and sadness. And as Kylo continued to look upon his father’s face, it began to morph. Slowly everything fades away from him, his hair, his skin, his eyes. Everything disappeared in front of him, until only a skeleton remained. He felt the change on his own skin, where his father’s loving hand was on his face, now turned into bone. Before Kylo could properly react to the horror in front of him, the skeleton was turning into dust. Han Solo, the man he once called father, was slowly fading away into dust carried off by the wind. Kylo reached out to grab him before the skull disappeared, only dust flew past him. His father gone, dead by his own hand, and now dust._

_Water appearing from nowhere began to fill the room he was in, the noise of rushing water filled his ears. Kylo felt the icy liquid brush against his leg and swore he would go numb from the cold. He tried to move his legs, but they were frozen, planted in the ground with no hope of movement. He had to watch in horror as the water kept rising and he was powerless, unable to escape. He sucked under its surface and all light was drowned away._

_He couldn’t breathe._

_Darkness swirled around him as he desperately strived to move his limbs forward towards the surface. His chest burned and felt like it was collapsing in on himself. He could feel the blood pumping from his heart, a dull ache that throbbed. Everything was in pain it seemed. Every moment felt like his limbs were on fire and tears were springing into his eyes. He was drowning in the darkness, in the pain. It felt like there was no escape._

_Suddenly there was a voice, “Let go.” It called to him, “Let go, let it consume you. Free yourself, young one.”_

_It filled his ears, the rough and frighteningly familiar voice. Coaxing him. Tempting him. And his resolve to continue moving was withering away. He wanted to give in. He needed to._

_“No!” Boomed another voice. Kylo knew he never heard it before in his lifetime, but it oddly felt familiar to him, he couldn’t understand how or why. “Do not give in. You are stronger than this.”_

_Kylo’s head pounded, the two voices arguing with each other steadily increased in volume until he thought that his ears would bleed and his head would split in two. He had to choose. Which voice does he answer to?_

_He knows he must make the decision now-_

* * *

 

He jolts up, he’s disoriented, cold sweat covering him. The memory of the nightmare still fresh in his mind. He throws the sheets covering him off and rises up into a sitting position with both planted on the ground. He sits there for a moment trying to even out his breathing. Each breath is ragged and labored, they burn his throat and left his mouth dry. Slowly he got up and threw one of his larger and looser shirts that bore no sleeves. He preferred the tighter fitting shirts for day to day wear, but he still kept the larger ones for relaxation or comfort. Kylo walked over to a small table that held cups and his own cafdistiller. Grateful that one of the few luxuries owed to him and other higher ranking officials in the first order was a personal cafdistiller in his quarters. He receive food and drink daily from droids like every other person aboard this vessel, because of his rank he was allowed this one small luxury. The first order didn’t believe in luxuries, so he accepted what he could. He brewed a large amount and poured it into a cup, adding sugar, another luxury he was able to receive.

He sits down in the middle of the room, legs tucked under him, steam rising from the cup in his hands. Heat spread through his chest, thankfully adding a warm sensation to replace the cold, as he drinks the hot cup of caf. Kylo knows he will not be able to sleep anymore tonight and settles on meditating for the rest of the evening. Grateful for the energy the hot cup of caf provided, he didn’t want to fall asleep during meditation, like he once did a lifetime ago…

_It was a humid morning on the small, secluded planet. The heat only made bearable by the small, subtle breeze that passed by occasionally. Ben stifled a yawn as he climbed down to the door from his small bunk, tired but still having no regrets from reading another one of the history datapads he kept hidden in his rooms. He adored history almost as much as the explanations to the galaxy saga. The tall 10 year old walked down the jagged stone steps into the clearing Uncle Luke favored for meditations. It was a small, open clearing with boulders perfectly fitted to rest on within proximity to another, overlooking the ocean atop a cliff, where the breeze was stronger._

_Uncle Luke was waiting for him there, already sitting on the larger boulder, focused into his meditation. It was a ritual for them, to spend every morning meditating since Ben was still having difficulties with it. Their day was often filled with meditation now, starting from morning to dusk, occasionally long after that. For some reason he couldn’t figure it out, his mind couldn’t settle down enough to concentrate hard enough. Luke would often catch his young nephew and padawan, peaking at him with one eye open instead facing forward with both eyes closed. What amazed Ben the most was that his Uncle didn’t even have to open his eyes to catch him not paying attention, he just **knew.**_

_This morning was not unusual in the slightest, the only difference was how tired Ben was, with small bags under his eyes. The breeze passing by, was bliss itself, but it still caused a slight chill for Ben. His neck now covered with a small amount of glistening sweat. The planet’s climate was enjoyable, relatively unchanging throughout the year, except for a gradual and small spike in heat during the summer. Ben found himself enjoying this planet. The ocean was pleasant when Uncle Luke allowed a small vacation from their duties, the flowers were always large and beautiful with a beautiful array of blue, red, green, and yellow hues. But night was Kylo’s favorite time. He would sneak out of his bunk and pattered over on small feet outside into the cool night air, the world around him bright under the beauty of the stars and the large winged bugs that float by going from one glowing flower to another. At night everything was bright, beautiful lights of all colors were scattered all around him, and a low constant hum of life was always heard. Some nights Luke would even sit out there with him, not even bothering to feign anger with him, and just spend the night looking among the stars and the bright lights of the planet while listening to Ben talk of history and stars in galaxies far, far away and the sounds of the lifelike world around them._

_This morning Luke was surprised to find that his nephew calm next to him for once, not jittery or restless like usual. He was proud to say the least, believing that his nephew had finally had a breakthrough and was starting to understand meditation and clearing his mind to focus on one singular thought. Happily, Luke turns to his nephew, a smile on his lips about to exclaim his excitement over young Ben’s progress. Only to find ben with his head lolled to the side, breathing deeply with both eyes shut tight and a small line of drool coming from his mouth._

_Luke let out a small quiet laugh, “At least you mastered relaxing.” Letting his nephew get some sleep, he clearly needed it, and Luke went back to his meditation. ‘Perhaps today’, he thought, ‘we take it easy, a master isn’t made overnight.’_

Kylo Ren was jolted from his meditation and his vivid reliving of that memory by the sound of the alarm, that was still so distant and yet always just barely under the surface. He had no time to dwell on his nightmare and the memory his mind brought up unwillingly during his meditation. He had his duties. And Kylo Ren could not afford to become lax as the Master of the Knights of Ren and Lord Snoke’s underling, acting in his stead on this First Order’s ship.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank You all for reading!! Since I still have tests and school, there is no set schedule for updates.


End file.
